Addicted to More

I was talking with a good friend of mine also in recovery and the topic of boredom came up.  I had recently taken a sick day which I felt guilty about, and he was amazed at how hard it is for us addicts to just enjoy BEING rather than constantly DOING.  We both agreed that normal people are comfortable when they're not going 500 miles per hour with their hair on fire, but we had previously been convinced this lifestyle was boring.
The problem with this point of view is that as people whose normal lives involved the use of chemicals to make life more intersting, we both had run the risk of ruining our lives with this lifestyle.  Becoming comfortable with boredom rather than constantly needing something exciting in our lives is certainly something that takes a long time to learn. 
Becoming comfortable in one's own skin is a big part of it.  Many addicts have self-esteem issues either as a result of past behavior related to their chemical usage or from their upbringing.  The use of chemicals to either numb the pain or forget about how they feel about themselves has been a symptom of their underlying issues related to poor self-image.

Don't Even Know I Am Lying

Also known as denial, if you excuse the spelling.  When we're active in our addiction, we can't face the fact that our situation is getting worse faster than we can lower our standards.  Whether it's mounting health, financial or legal issues; trouble with our spouse or significant other; or even the constant feeling of worthlessness and dread we have inside, we can not face the fact that our addiction is the source of our problems and we need to get help.
Everyone has a certain amount of denial built into them.  It's an unconscious defense mechanism that allows us to get through our day and ignore the negative stimuli we are often presented with.  With addiction, denial becomes a problem when everyone around you knows you have a problem and is telling you you have a problem, but you are telling them everything is "fine" and you can fix your problems on your own.
For addicts, the time when they finally wake up and realize they can't do it on their own is usually when the damaging results of their addictive behavior are perceived to be worse than any possible damage to their ego.  For some, this time never comes and the only possible source of relief that their ego will allow is death.

Related Links:
http://www.drugalcohol-rehab.com/denial-in-addiction.htm
http://www.egetgoing.com/drug_addiction/denial.asp
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/dyna/a/uc_sgt.htm
http://www.drug-addiction-support.org/Addiction-Denial.html

Invictus-A Great Recovery Movie

The title of the movie is based on a poem written in the 19th century by William Enerst Henley.  The poem goes like this:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Written from a hospital bed while Henley was recovering from the amputation of his leg below the knee, the poem is about taking charge of one's own destiny and overcoming the obstacles that life presents you with.  According to the movie Invictus, Nelson Mandel recited this poem everyday for almost 30 years while confined to a prison cell no bigger than a closet by the white South African government.
The movie takes place soon after Nelson Mandela is elected president of the post-apartheid South Africa, and it describes how President Mandela used the South Aftican rugby team's quest for the 1995 World Cup as a vehicle for reunification. 
How is it a great recovery movie?  Well, the greatest line in the movie in my mind is when Matt Damon's character, the South African team captain, is asked by his wife what he is thinking the night before the championship game.  Obviously this being the biggest game of his career you would think he would be thinking about the game the next day.  Instead he tells his wife, "I'm wondering how you spend 30 years in a prison cell and come out willing to forgive the people that put you there."  Who knows if this discussion happened in real life, but if you consider it you can see that Nelson Mandela was a man who held no resentments against his white oppressors because he saw that having hatred and resentment in his heart would only continue the culture of separation that he had fought his whole life against.
As someone once told me, having a resentment is like taking the poison yourself and hoping the other person dies.  So, if we could use the example set in this movie by Nelson Mandela we could see that forgiveness is the right path to take if we want to heal.  As for who wins the championship match, I'll let you see the movie.....

Spiritual Growth Vs. Emotional Maturity

Are they the same thing?  Can you have one without the other?  To be honest with you, I am not sure.  In his book Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl states that "between stimulus and response, there is a space.  In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and freedom."  So if we extend the space between the stimulus and our response to it (think of counting to ten) are we truely becoming more emotionally mature?  If we "turn it over to God" as we are told in AA instead of becoming overwhelmed by life, is this a form of spiritual growth?
The bottom line for spiritual growth or emotional maturity is having contextual awareness of the present, and truely seeing how it fits into the broader world around us.  Because even situations that can seem meaningless on the surface can have unforeseen consequences when not treated appropriately.  As addicts, we have spent the bulk of our lives acting irrationally and ignoring the consequences of our actions.  When we grow spiritually, however, we begin to understand that our actions affect others around us.  We stop being the self-centered, self-seeking people that everyone knows. 
While we may not recognize our own spiritual growth, many people around us will see changes in our behavior.  This growth is achieved by working the steps, meditation and prayer, and developing a relationship with a higher power.  When we do these things our character will change and allow traits like patience and faith to grow within us.  When this occurs, the space between a stimulus and our response to it will grow, and we will become more emotionally mature and be on a higher spiritual path.

Related Links:
http://www.spiritual-path.com/spiritualpath.htm
http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/aymen/spiritual_path.html
http://library.adoption.com/articles/7-steps-to-emotional-maturity.html
http://www.michaelppowers.com/path/mature.html

Progress, not Perfection?

So I was attending this meeting the other day when someone brought up the idea that profanity had no place in AA meetings.  This person proclaimed her higher power to be God and Jesus Christ, and she felt that any proper Christian should avoid using profanity, or even listening to it, if they are to truely live as God wants them to.
Almost as soon as she said this several other people at the meeting jumped on her claiming that as long as they were staying sober, their use of foul language should be overlooked.  After all, the Big Book even says that "we are not saints."  So minor indiscretions like profanity are unimportant as long as we are working on our sobriety.  Their beef was also that this person who disliked profanity had no place telling them how to speak, and if she didn't like their vocabulary she should attend another meeting.  Naturally as addicts none of likes to be told what we can't do.  When someone tells us not to do something, usually we do it right away to spite them.  That's classic self-will run riot.
Personally, I think both parties to this discussion were wrong.  On the one hand, I agree that none of us has the right to tell someone how to speak or act even in a public place such as an AA meeting.  After all, our program of sobriety is contingent upon placing "principles before personalities."  On the other hand, I certainly think there are more intelligent ways of expressing oneself than using profanity-especially when it offends someone. 
This whole situation actually turned into a good study of steps 4 to 9.  First resentments were created with both sides disagreeing with the other, and one party getting up and leaving the meeting when her position wasn't respected.  Then this was followed by the profane people realizing they had actually harmed this person, and finally both sides ended up making amends to the other later in the week both publicly and in private.
Personally, I have been known to drop an "F-bomb" here and there, but I believe that part of my spiritual growth includes not offending anymore people with my actions-God knows I have enough amends to make already.  Is it my position to tell people how to speak in meetings?  It certainly isn't, but I don't see any problem reminding them that addicts are generally more intelligent people.  So let's act like it.

Related Links:
http://www.aaboston.org/friendly_reminder.asp

Cherishing the Void

When early in recovery, you may notice an emptiness in your life.  For me this was the loss of my old friends Jack Daniels, John Dewar and Johnnie Walker, and my Mexican friends Don Julio and Jose Cuervo.  This void was especially obvious around happy hour.  After getting sober many addicts will turn to new attachments like exercise, eating, smoking, drinking coffee, or even attending 12 step meetings to fill this void.  Problems can arise, however, when the new master turns out to be no less damaging to your life than the old one.
This innate feeling of incompleteness and the desire to fill it is not wrong by any means.  It is who we are as spiritual beings living this human existence.  As Gerald May states in his book Addiction and Grace "authentic spiritual wholeness, by its very nature, is open ended" and it is "our God-given right to participate in ongoing creation."  So the spiritual void that we addicts try to fill up with attachments like alcohol and drugs will not go away once we sober up.  The challenge is to accept, learn to cherish, and become comfortable with this void-not to constantly try to fill it with short-term satisfaction.  Through patience and faith the void will lead to doors of unimagined possibilities and the freedom of just being will become meaningful.

Related Links:
http://gracefulpresence.blogspot.com/2005/09/musings-on-spaciousness.html

The Desert Of Addiction

For this alcoholic, the journey of my addiction led me into isolation as if I was walking through a desert alone.  The belief that I was in control of my consumption and that next time things would be different was the oasis I was seeking, but this belief always turned into a mirage when the euphoric effect of the alcohol wore off and I found myself even deeper into the isolation of the desert of my addiction.  As within any desert, there was deprivation of many kinds with my alcoholism.  Not only were basic necessities of life like food and water subordinate to my addiction, I also shunned those near and dear to me and placed the relationship I had with the booze above all else-including God. 
In his book Addiction and Grace Gerald May states "with major addictions, the desert can grow to encompass all of life: every habit may be exposed to the searing, purifying sun; every false prop is vulnerable to relinquishment; and one can be left truly dependent upon the grace of God for sustenance."  In other words, the folly of seeking answers in isolation with my drug of choice was exposed when I had moments of clarity and could have an objective view, and it was only through developing a relationship with my Higher Power that I was be able to find my way out of the desert of my addiction.  During my journey through the desert, however, there have been many wide open spaces with no discernable landmarks to guide my way.  Without being able to have faith that God would guide me in the right direction, I might have given up.  But much like the Israelite's journey through the desert to the promised land, my journey with my Higher Power has brought me into the garden of recovery where I have found freedom from the slavery of isolation and my addiction.

Related Links:
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/study/a/step_three.htm
http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaworkstep3.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_2085939_work-step-three-aa.html