To Thine Own Self Be True

What Matters Most

It doesn't matter what you say to or in front of other people, it's what you say to yourself that matters most.  For instance, when I share at meetings I try to avoid the standard expressions like "Welcome to the newcomers" and "Keep coming back, if you're new."  I know these are important traditions in AA, but when I've heard them so many times I often wonder if other people really mean it when they say it or if they are just parroting the expressions because they think their supposed to.

To begin with, as a self-centered alcoholic I am not keen on doing things just because other people are doing them, and I also don't like to do things just because other people tell me I need to do to them.  I'm used to doing things my own way.  While I do understand the need for traditions and the importance of following instructions from people like my sponsor, when I am sharing in a meeting I have a need to be original.  One bit of advice I have followed related to this is "sharing from the heart" in meetings which I think I do a pretty good job of.

So while others in the meeting may feel compelled to spout hackneyed phrases, I'll leave that to them.  That's not to say I don't appreciate newcomers (of which I consider myself one), it's just that I have been to way too many meetings where people seem to share just for the sake of sharing and say the same things over and over.

I find it important to be true to what my inner voices are telling me in this regard.  To do this, I share my relatively unfiltered, true feelings with others, and I also reject advice that I know will not work for me.  I may be wrong on occasion, but I know from experience that if I am forcing myself to follow suggestions that don't make me feel better about what I am doing then I am going to quickly stop following those suggestions.  This includes going to meetings that suck and hanging out with people I don't relate to.

So while I don't get on my knees to pray or sit upright for 20 minutes when I am meditating, I honestly believe that my relationship with God is continuing to get better, the peace in heart is growing, and my relationship with myself and others is improving one day at a time.  After all this is a program of "progress, not perfection" and if I keep heading away from my desire to pick up a bottle today I think I am doing the right thing.

Rightsizing AKA Not Doing God's Job For Him

Grandiosity

Trying to find the middle ground in life can often be challenging for this alcoholic.  Usually I have trouble being too full of myself and want to do God's job for him.  At other times, however, I am beating myself up and getting down on myself.  Both of these behaviors are forms of self-aggrandizement or grandiosity, and either form can be very dangerous and lead me back to the bottle.

During those times when I thought I could walk on water and I didn't need anyone's help I usually found myself isolated; and when I was full of self-pity and needed the attention of everyone around me I usually also found myself isolated.  As I have heard from a friend in the program during these times I often felt like, "I am the piece of shit that the world revolved around."  So everyone pay attention to me.

Being right-sized in life is the goal, and this usually requires the right amount of humility sprinkled with some good perspective.  When I am playing God, I am forgetting about everyone in my life who helped me along the way.  When I am beating myself up I am usually forgetting about what I have and focusing instead on what I don't have.

Staying in the middle of the herd and putting other people needs first (for the right reasons) usually helps keep me centered and right where I need to be.  When I think "I got this" on my own, the wheels usually start coming of the tracks and before long I am drunk or at a minimum pissing somebody off.

Thankfully I hang with people that have been doing this thing longer than me, and they quickly rein me in before I let my desires instead of my needs float me away to somewhere I shouldn't be.

God Gives Us What We Need

Not Always What We Want

This is an expression you hear in and out of the rooms.  It's an easy one to believe and follow when your bank account is full, your in fulfilling relationships, and the sun is shining on you.  Not so easy when bills are
going unpaid, there is a health concern in your life, or you're feeling all alone.

I suppose this is where your faith comes in.  How much are you turning your will over to God or your higher power, and how much are you able to do this when things just don't seem to be going your way?  Perspective is always a good tool to lean on.  While you may not have the fancy car you want to be cruising in and you're not dating a supermodel, or anyone else, it's always good to remind ourselves that things could be worse.  In fact, we are continually reminded of this when listening to other people tell about what's going on in their life.

Our perception of what we think we need is often blurred by self-centeredness and self-seeking motives.  Especially when we don't have a lot of time.  Hearing a newcomer share about how they are feeling brings us back to the time we first came in and how we were feeling very similar.  Hearing an old timer share about how they have had bad times, but stuck with it and didn't go back out.  Now those bad times have passed.

It's said that "spiritual progress is always made before material progress happens," or something like that.  For this alcoholic this definitely rings true.  There was a time when my bank account was full, I had a nice house and car, and on the surface I had relationships that were meaningful.  In reality I was spiritually bankrupt at the time, and when things started to go south in my life I had nothing to fall back on but my material possessions.  Now matter how hard I tried I couldn't spend my way out of my spiritual bankruptcy.  In fact, I nearly went broke trying to do so.

By changing my perspective and realizing the true meaning of "God give us what we need, and not always what we want" I have developed some amount of faith that no matter how low I am feeling, how hard it is to keep up with bills, or how difficult things seem to be in the material world I now have a group of people I can share with and a God I can pray to and while that may not cause drastic overnight changes in my life it will provide enough relief to get me through the day without picking up a drink.

So he said to them, "Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something."  So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish.--John 21:6  When we have faith and ask for God's guidance, we are often amazed and how abundant He is...

It's Important To Hear Things Repeated

Staying In The Solution

As alcoholics and addicts, we tend to have short memories when it comes to our disease.  Sure we are great at remembering the so-called harms done to us by others and holding onto those memories long after it really matters to anyone else but us.  When it comes to the damage and destruction that our disease does to us and others when it is active, however, we seem to forget that too quickly.  For this alcoholic that was one of the reasons I had a pattern of relapse.  I would forget how bad it got when I had just one drink and think (wrongly) that I could drink like a gentlemen.

By listening to other addicts and alcoholics share their story, we are able to stay in the solution because it reminds us of how bad it got when we were active in our addiction and how we found a way out.  Hearing a share that we can identify with is like recharging our recovery batteries and our desire to remain clean and sober.  Many stories we hear in the rooms sound almost identical to ones we had heard before and quite often ones we had ourselves lived and talked about with other addicts and alcoholics.  Identifying with others brings a sense of familiarity and comfort that many of us have felt nowhere else in our lives.

The shear genius of people telling "what it was like, what happened, and what is like now" is in its simplicity.  When we hear what it was like for others, we are reminded of how bad it was for us or perhaps how much worse it could have gotten if we hadn't found a way out of the progression of our disease.  Oftentimes in our addiction we have done and said things that seem unconscionable to us when we are sober.

The "what happened" part of someone's story is quite often very personal.  Because as addicts and alcoholics, we all have our own definition of what misery is and how much we can stand before we decided to change.  For some it could be a wreck where someone was injured or killed, but for others it could be as simple as just being tired of the hiding and lies that go along with our disease when it has reached its peak.

By hearing "what is it like now" reminds us of how much better our clean and sober life is, and it also gives us hope for the future whether or not we are a newcomer.  While we may be having a bad day, or even month or year, we have developed a faith that the program we are in provides us the tools to change whatever it is that is bringing us down.  We have also developed the realization that no matter how bad things get, drinking or drugging is only going to make things worse and make us unavailable for the better times ahead.

God Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

This simple phrase which makes up the first couple of lines of The Serenity Prayer is so liberating when you really consider it.  In reality, the only thing we can change in life is ourselves.  Sure we have spent years trying to change others or influence situations with our will power, but in the end when we were broken down by our futile efforts we began to realize how pointless our efforts were.

The phrase is liberating when you consider how much more free time we have when we're not trying to make the world as we want it to be and begin to accept it as it is.  By letting go of our need to change people and situations that are beyond our control we can begin to enjoy the peace and serenity that this process brings.  By doing so, we are changing ourselves and our outlook on life ultimately leading us to be happier by not being right all the time.

As with many philosophies that make up the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, The Serenity Prayer was written a long time ago and not specifically for AA or any other 12 step program.  Rather it is just one of those timeless truths that have come down through the centuries, and that have been followed by happy people all over the world.  We of Alcoholics Anonymous or other 12 step programs are lucky that through God's grace they found their way into the program.

Letting Go Of Anger

"Are we know ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable?" Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76.
Regrettably for this alcoholic knowing what is objectionable and blocking me from the Sunlight of the Spirit and letting those things go is more challenging than it should seem to be.
For me, anger has been the fuel that has gotten me through many challenging parts of my life.  It was at the base of my drive to succeed in business, and while I may have stepped on a few toes or bent a few noses with my self-centered attitude the results spoke for themselves.  I was rewarded with money and promotions.
It was only when I realized that all the money and material possessions in the world weren't going to make me happy, and finding myself alienated from my peers and people who I considered to be friends that I began to see the error of my ways.  Rather than collaborating with people who probably wanted to help, I wanted to take all the glory and do things on my own and my own way.
It seems that in addition to alcohol, I have been powerless over my anger for a large portion of my life.  While I wanted to play nice and get along, it seemed like the easier path was to be arrogant and push people out of the way.
To truly settle this anger thing and move forward with a spiritual base, I have had to turn repeatedly to God and others asking for help.  Similar to the drink problem, this anger problem has been something that I could not seem to conquer on my own.  By remaining humble and in the moment and having faith in God and in others, I have found that letting go of anger has been a much easier proposition.

"Who, then, made all this?"

God Doesn't Make Junk

While pondering the answer to this question, I often find the answer in seeing the things that God didn't make.  God didn't create wars, loneliness, poverty, child abuse, sexual abuse, child pornography, rape, sadness, or other dysfunctional behaviors like addiction.   These are all things that man has created with the free will given to us by our creator and the bad ways we decided to utilize it.
When we choose to go away from his plan for us and pursue hollow solutions to the challenges that God's plan presents to us, then we end up will all of the futility that is the result of man trying to play God.  When we choose to become willing to turn it over to God and develop the faith that leads to patience and understanding, then we can find our way back to God's path for us.  On this path we find peace, friendship, satisfaction, love, and wellness.
As an addict and alcoholic I spent far too many years trying to play God and arrange the scenery in my life to my liking.  My "self-will run riot" caused me to try and impose my beliefs and desires onto the people, places, and things around me.  Often with futile results.  At best, I ended up with material possessions that didn't bring me happiness.  At it's worst, my self-centeredness left me lonely, broken, and without hope.
When I decided to turn my will over and let God's presence take hold in my life, I found that the majority of my problems vanished or at least diminished greatly.  By realizing that I did not have to go it alone and by turning to God and others around me in the program, I was able to find relief from the madness that would most often lead me to the bottle or other ways to destroy what God made.
It is often said, that God doesn't make junk.  While I have often felt like junk as a result of my behaviors, I learned to forgive when I came to the realization that I am not perfect.  As long as I keep trying to follow God's plan for me by trusting in Him, keeping my side of the street as clean as I can, and helping others whenever possible, I can steer clear of the dark places that my self will wants to drag me.